Back patting and buck passing!

OK, maybe I spoke too soon. Last week's episode was genius, we saw more self-congratulatory back patting and buck passing than the annual labour party conference. Brilliant! I loved it and I hope the series continues to be as good as this!

Lucinder was great but let herself down by getting personal in the boardroom, Sir Alan had no reason to fire her, she played it well by letting the other girls (Jenny and Lindy) bicker between them but then she made comments about people thinking Jenny was a snake - bad move, if Jenny is as evil as she looks there are going to be more tears before bedtime for little Lucinder.

Claire (my favourite) took a SAS beating the previous week but again, and led her team to victory this week. She learnt her lesson, worked well with her team, motivated them, delegated and most importantly, recognised her faults. This will win her browny points with her co-candidates, although it's a competition, it's tough in there and if you can turn it around after a hard boardroom you'll gain respect. She has the skills and the humility to become Sir Alan's Apprentice.

As for the others - Alex I continue to dislike, his whining is more than I can take and if he is doing it publicly, the other candidates are likely to be getting bored of it as well. Jenny (Irish Jenny, not "Lucinder you're an unpleasant young lady" Jenni) made a royal cock up - she is experienced enough to know that the exclusivity thing was a massive error but quite rightly, Sir Alan kept her in because she has more potential than Lindy.

Lee again showed integrity when sat in the greasy cafe he turned to the others and questioned why they had said Lindy was a bad project manager when none of them spoke up during the task - he's one to watch!

I can imagine Sir Alan rubbing his hands in glee when Lindy arrived in the boardroom - like the rest of the nation I imagine he was astounded that she hadn't arrived there earlier! Like Gazhal last year, the other candidates seem to like her and to mother her a little. She seems like a nice girl, but what she lacked in substance she made up for in misguided self-belief. Confidence is a blessing but over-confidence may well be her downfall.

Rumour has it, that although she claims to be a "Business woman first and foremost", she's already done a nude photoshoot (the production company told her to remove the pictures from her site) and been offered a job presenting a gambling channel on sky... Good luck to her, I hope she chooses wisely, it will be difficult to later manage a team who have already seen her best assets!

PS, bring on Flora Day, I can't wait for my pint of spingo!

Wednesday night - The Apprentice or Pub Quiz?

Perhaps my writing this a full 7 days after the last episode of The Apprentice is an indication of just how entertained I am by this new series. Whilst watching these new candidates squabble and backstab in a highly uninspired manner, I remember with fondness Tre's potty mouth and Katie's weekly slating of a poor, unsuspecting potential Apprentice. I

This season, we've been teased with the potential of Raef being this year's Tre, only to see him disappear in a puff of hairspray and long words in the last episode. Some papers claimed Jenni was going to be the new Katie , but it turns out she's just a bit nasty with no charm or wit to speak of. And, true to format, Simon, the nice, well mannered, true grafter who could really do with the break, was unceremoniously fired last week.

So, should he have gone? He had a good theme, he was a good photographer and he tried to delegate. So,why did it go so horribly wrong? Because he got too involved in the lovey darling element. He pigeon-holed himself into a role which meant he was totally isolated from the actual task itself. The project manager can't have a specific role, they need to oversee the whole thing. If he hadn't been poncing about with the camera, he would have noticed the labelling error early on and made more money!

Did others commit bigger crimes? Alex is officially a wimp and we saw our first public display of "ass-covering" when he backed out of being Simon's second in demand. He then turned on Claire in the Boardroom when he thought he might be in the firing line. He should be fired on the basis that he is more like a chicken than a man.

Claire (although everyone now hates her for giving the nice guy a hard time) was actually right, although she delivered her message badly. It was obvious she wasn't going to go as Sir Alan gave her a real telling off before he had revealed which team had won. If he was going to fire her, her would have saved his fury for when she returned to the Board Room in the losing team.

I think the biggest sin this week was Helene's treatment of Lucinder. Whilst I am not a burn-my-bra feminist, I don't like others to give female business women a bad name. Helene's behaviour towards Lucinder was nothing short of bullying and if The Apprentice was the real world she'd end up in court for that. On Helene's part it was shortsighted, potential employers will be watching and if it's a media career she's looking for I'm pretty sure she'll be out of luck.

Let's hope tonight's episode is more interesting... The pub quiz is looking ever more appealing!

Spreading muck in the big smoke!

There's nothing quite like the smell of freshly spread dung on a crisp spring morning. Something that reminds me of 7am walks to Wendron postoffice in time to catch the school bus. Not something I expect when I leave my flat in London, but this morning as I left the house I was hit by the unmistakeable smell of muck spreading.

Having been assured by my boyfriend that there aren't any cows within a 100 mile radius I quickly abandoned the idea that it was muck.

As I boarded my train home this evening, the mystery was solved; on the front of the free evening paper was the headline "The Big Stink" - apparently farmers in France and Belgium have been fertilizing and the winds have carried us their delights.

Having taken many 'city' friends home to visit, only to see them clamber out of the stationary car to take pictures of "real, live cows" when we've pulled over to let them pass on their way to milking, it doesn't surprise me that in London this is front page news!

What's even more amusing (or more realistically a sad signs of the times) is that the smell triggered hundreds of calls to the police and radio stations about the city being under attack.

My panini went down like hotcakes!

My team have been in absolute stitches all day over last night's episode of The Apprentice. Grown men rolling around in tears at Kevin's exploits. How he didn't get fired, I don't know.

A head chef who suggests baked mushrooms and sauteed potatoes as a typical italian dish! His pep talk was about as inspiring as a fart in the bath and his claim that he went into the board room, let Ian talk and then "nailed him to the floor" is nothing short of fantasy!

Lucky for Kevin, there was someone even more inept than he. Ian's loss of control and inability to delegate meant noone was responsible for money and that's what Sir Alan cares about. Too much money was spent and noone was keeping track or even thinking about margins. Noone except Simon, who Ian ignored in favour of listening to a red fcaed, delusional chef. in the end, Ian came across as weak and had no excuse for losing, but I did hope Sir Alan would do a double whammy!

Michael Sophocles is the one who really got away with it this week. He does very little, other than act the fool and occassionally make a rash decision which he says he'll take responsibility for. This time he decided to reduce the cost of the soup, bad decision and Sir Alan picked up on it, steering Ian towards taking Michael into the board room. Ian failed to notice this, if he'd picked up on it, prehaps he would have stayed...

It was at this stage last year that I took on the role of project manager and failed. Our facepainting business was hindered by technicalities of filming children (and the fact there weren't any children about!) and our kissagram service was considered immoral (although we'd have made loads of money if we'd done it all day!). I faced the firing line and it was pretty terrifying, but I knew I had to have a strategy. I knew the 2 reasons we lost the task were location and disruption. Geri was responsible for location and Jadine was a constant source of disruption; they were the two I brought back to the Board Room and I knew exactly why I took them and why they should go instead of me. This season's candidates don't seem to have grasped the importance of having that kind of strategy.

So, who to watch?

Jennifer - top sales person in Europe - suggested a murder mystery evening in a North London pub! Did go on to secure free marketing materials, yet to see her do anything earth shattering...

Claire - I think she's great, has her head screwed on, was fair in the boardroom and won her task - she'll be safe for a while.

Sara - rubbish project manager, carried through by the rest of the team. Squeaks too much, reminds me of last year's Ghazal.

Simon - good bloke. Probably too nice for Sir Alan!

Is there a Katie II?

I don't think so. Firstly because although I don't like to give Katie much credit not to mention column inches, that girl was definitely skilled in business and was pretty damn amusing at times. It's a shame an innocent individual is normally the butt of her wit. It's disappointing that she can't reconcile her astute business mind with decent human behaviour, and it's criminal that she has managed to turn The Apprentice into a show which is more about skeletons in closets than real people vying for an opportunity of a lifetime.

That said, Jenni Celerier is a poor replacement for the seemingly pleasant, blue-eyeshadow wearing, back stabber of last series.

What a palava, give 8 grown women some washing to do and it all ends in tears. Jenni was an apalling leader, having seen Claire have a relatively easy ride of it as project manager in the first week - Jenni stood up to the mark. I'll give her credit for this. It's not an easy task to manage such a gaggle of women who barely know each other but boy did she cock it up.

Rule number one, don't be a b*tch, women and especially Apprentice women, have long memories. Rule number two, running a laundry for 24 hours does not require blue sky thinking or brain storming - it requires team work and elbow grease. Rule number three, don't underestimate the boys, always be one step ahead.

(For those of you who like the inside story, stealing the irons was a very clever move - when you start a task you have a seed fund, anything you buy comes out of that seed fund, therefore looting and commandering house property is common place in The Apprentice. You never know when a couple of kitchen bowls will come in useful (props in our doggy closet in Series 2).)

This was an interesting episode because it showed The Apprentices at their best and worst. The boys rode high, doing the business, getting the job done and having a great time (Although I still think Raef is a prat!), whereas the girls mucked about, showed poor business sense and fought like children. Whilst neither of the teams showed anything outstanding, it was brilliant entertainment.

Back to Jenni, I think she's a cow-bag of the highest degree. In business you get things done, she didn't. As a manager you treat your team with respect, she didn't. In the boardroom, you justify your actions, she blamed others. Katie II? I don't think so. She's not witty and she didn't win the task - love her or hate her, Katie won twice as team leader.

I can't understand why she wasn't fired. Part of me thinks maybe something happened behind the scenes to make Sir Alan get rid of Shazia, maybe he realised she's actually a hard worker and as such is unlikely to end up in the boardroom again for a while, in which case he won't have an opportunity to fire her for a while. If he wanted her out anyway, he might as well strike while he has the chance.

Well, another one bites the dust, just another face to be crossed out on the cameramen's id cards..